Andrew and I have some struggles in our relationship. Mostly to do with personality differences and sometimes due to the fact that he has clinical depression. It takes a very patient and loving spouse to understand this debilitating condition. It is hard on our whole family sometimes. It doesn't last long and I love Andrew enough to see him through the 48 hours (which is usually how long) of difficulty. I find it hard but at the same time I try to notice how much better I have become at recognizing the signs and trusting God. When Andrew comes around he is a man who tries so hard. He tries extra hard to show me that he has not 'left the building'. Yesterday, after a particularly difficult 24-48 hrs for him mentally, he was extra affectionate, affirming, reassuring, and loving. We ended up walking for 5 hours in the beautiful breeze, poking around our beautiful town, looking at the boats, beautiful houses, setting some goals, eating some yummy food and spending time with our son. I felt his (Andrews's) genuine love for me and contemplated how difficult it must be to live with bouts of depression and how although it is hard on me as well, most of the time I feel like myself and can't even imagine. I contemplated how it must feel to be 'outside of himself' and not be able to see positively sometimes even though....his true nature is optimistic, calm, quiet and sensitive. He must feel so lost sometimes. Depression is often misunderstood. My moment of grace was praying to God for him, thanking God for bringing him back to me always and that I am reaching a point of comfort in my own skin to better accept things. To better accept him. Not to try and control everything and micro-manage everything.
My moment of grace is that I am working on setting my fear free....to always know that he comes back and he will stay my loving husband.
My moment of grace was also all the time we spent together yesterday in a quiet walk of understanding and praying together in nature and trusting each other....and the Lord.
This is beautiful Samantha. Your husband is very blessed to have such a faith filled wife. I remember once reading a pre-marital question, "What if instead of making your burdens light, your future spouse increased them; would you see this as another burden or another path of salvation?"
ReplyDeleteWow...this really touched me Samantha. Even though "I" am the one suffering from depression. My husband, like you, is very understanding and doesn't take it personal...and loves me with all my imperfections! Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you visited my 'work in progress' blog. Sometimes it is difficult not take it personal, especially when a person is a sensitive as I am. Thank you for sharing with me about your depression. I am learning everyday. You are in my prayers Theresa!
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